2003-07-02 10:26 a.m.

** title is a quote from Jack **

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Bishop Brennan: You will address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!

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Dougal: Sorry Ted. I was concentrating too hard on looking holy.

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Father Fitzpatrick: You left the cyanide capsules next to the Valium, you old fool. That's just asking for trouble!

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Dougal: I'm no good at judging the size of crowds Ted, but I'd say there's about seventeen million of them out there.

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Ted: Dougal, how did you get into the church in the first place? Was it, like, 'collect 12 crisp packets and become a priest?'

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Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all.

Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.

Dougal: Oh right.

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Pat Mustard: I'm a very careful man, Father.

Ted: Except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom!

Pat: You're not advocating the use of artificial contraception now, are you?

Ted: Well, ye......well, no...well, naturally.....well, not really....well, of course you'd............JUST FECK OFF!

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Dougal: I'd love to be a milkman! That'd be fantastic! God knows I do flip-all around here.

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Dougal: Those women were in the nip!

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Ted: Dougal, have you been drinking?

Dougal: Yes Ted. I've been drinking like a mad eejit. (stage wink at Father Stack) I mean, no. I haven't.

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Dougal: Ted, will you look at this table. It's so dirty I could write me name in it.

Ted: (peering at table) There's a G in 'Dougal'.

Dougal: Where?

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Ted: I'm not a fascist. I'm a priest. Fascists dress up in black and tell people what to do. Whereas priests...

...More drink!

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Polly Clarke: My husband. Now there was a man who really was afraid of Virginia Woolf.

Ted: Why? Was she... following him or something?

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Dougal: (trying to pray) Hail Mary who art in heaven.......

Ted: Hallowed.

Dougal: Oh yeah. Hallowed Be....

Ted: Thy Name...

Dougal: Papa Don't Preach........

Ted: Dougal, you know you can praise the lord with sleep.

Dougal: Really Ted? You can praise him in lots of ways, like that time you said that I could praise him just by leaving the room.

Ted: Yes, that was a good one !

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Mrs Doyle: Now come on Father, what would you say to a nice cup of tea?

Jack: FECK OFF CUP!!!!!!

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Ted: Maybe he's agoraphobic.

Dougal: Jack? Scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted!

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Ted: I think it might work, Dougal. I know it'll work. It will work.

Dougal: It won't work, will it Ted?

Ted: ...It won't, no.