2003-06-23 5:03 p.m.

I guess most people who know me know I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. That was actually a huge factor in me moving the "Sunny" Southern California. Well, and I don't mean to sound all whiney, but no one told be about fucking "May Grey" and "June Gloom." Like most of the rest of the country - except AZ & NM - it's been quite a while since I've seen the sun. In May I saw it the 2 days I was in LA. And to start with I was fine. We'd had a little bit of a heat wave, so the cooler temps were nice. But now, it's been another month of grey skies.

The reason I gripe and say "no one told me" is because I do know I have this problem. In NC I would begin being on the look out for it in November. And usually Nov & Dec, while cold and grey for the most part would still have probably 10 - 15 days out of 30 where there was sun. Then in January it was time for me to be proactive. When I was younger and not smart enough to worry about skin cancer I would go to a tanning bed for 10 minutes a day, 4 days a week. For a few years I would budget for travel so that even if it weren't sunny in NC I could travel to where it was. Twice I've taken anti-depressants. Welbutrin worked well, Celexa not so much.

So now, as I have tons of other things going on in my life where I need to go see a shrink, just to talk through all the stuff I have going on to a person who's completely unbiased. I'm just fucking stressed. I HATE my job. Fiery passion kind of hate. I really feel mislead by Jacqui about what my duties were going to be when I got here. I do revenue managment and love doing revenue management when I'm working in marsha (Marriott Automated Reservations System for Hotel Accomodations). It's what I enjoy, it's what I'm good at. Now I spend 95% of my time working in fucking excel files making shit balance. Do I look like a fucking accountant? geez. (ok, deep breath)

So there's work. And I know I want to leave as soon as I can. My relocation won't be paid off until end of November, which is fine - it'll take me that long to get the money I need to moved saved, plus I need to have vacation time in December to go see my new nephew. So fine. Then, to transfer with Marriott, I have to wait until May 23, 2004. I told Jacqui last week that when my 18 months are up (may '04) I want to leave. She said no. What the fuck? She says I can't leave right before summer season, but at the start of summer I should start putting "feelers" out and then transfer in September. You know what, fuck that. I could sell my shit tomorrow, put Roshi in the car & drive back home. But I'm not going to because I signed up for 18 months, so 18 months I'll stay. I should be able to start putting my "feelers" out in February so that when my 18 months hits, I can go. My contract says 18 months damnit, not 22 months.

Anyway, I'm obviously upset about that. Then there's the whole family side, where again I'm torn. I don't want to live in NC. Period. But I feel totally selfish not living somewhere that's within driving distance of my family. There's lots of cool cities on the east coast. So, more stress in trying to figure out family stuff & making it mesh with work stuff.

Then, as always lately, there's the money issue. And oh shit, I just remembered I wrote Netty her check on Thursday & didn't take it to the mail box. Nor did I mail the tape & tape player to Moe. fuck fuck fuck. Anyway, I'm tired of 33% of my check going to taxes and everything just being so fucking expensive. Why is Colgate $4.25 a tube here when the same tube in NC is $2.25? And now three's a bill in the CA senate to increase taxes on cars. TRIPLE. What the fuck? But I never seem to have any money. I got my bonus check, 44% went to taxes. Then I had to spend $700 on my car. Then paid the bills to get them caught up - because yes I was behing - and bought groceries (not like prime rib either - everything I bought was on Ralphs Club special), and 3 new things - again at marshalls where stuff is cheaper - for work, and now I'm fucking broke again. I know I'm not going to be able to see rockapella in NC in october. Hell, I can't even afford to drive up to Santa Monica this weekend (2 hours up the road) to see the Red Elvises. So I'm going to get a weekend job. I may have no life, but hell, I have no life now & no money, so at least if I get a weekend job I'll have money. for when I have to quit in January because Jacqui won't let me transfer.

Ok, so those are my major stressors. And I know that none of that is really huge. I mean really, compared to some, I'm lucky. I may have to struggle, but I do get by and at least I don't have one of Frederick's cousins so I don't think I have near the stress Jenn has. But still, to me, it all feels huge because it ALL feels like it's right now & it's never ending.

So all of this is going on then I'm blindsided by June Gloom & my Seasonal Affective Disorder. I swear I researched San Diego's weather before I moved. Promise-cross-my-heart. May Grey and June Gloom were mentioned NO WHERE!!!!

So 2 weeks ago I started trying to make an appointment with a shrink but the few names my insurance gave me all had waiting lists of 2 months. Last week I didn't have time to do any calling at all. This morning I called my insurance company again, got 5 more names. Of the 2 that called me back - 2 months waiting list. Jesus Christ. I need help NOW! So fine. I need to talk it out plus do the drugs, but you know what? Fuckit, I'll cheat, go to a regular doc, get the drugs. Apparently it takes like an act of congress to get an appointment with even a regular MD. I tried one "group" that has 75 doctors in it - only 15 are taking new patients and the earliest appointment they had, you guessed it, two months. So I went with another group, closer to work, fewer doctors - 2 months. FINALLY, I went with a group thats 20 miles from here with 15 doctors & got an appointment for next Monday morning. 8am, and I have to go down I-805, so it's going to take me an hour to get there. But PRAISE THE LORD IN HEAVEN, at least I got an appointment. Of course with the way things are going I probably won't be able to afford the $20 co-pay by that point.

Getting through this Doctor-hunt ordeal had already put me at near panic attack mode because sometimes, it's just too much, ya know? But the pushing of the button came from someone trying to help. Our office is tiny and Danielle and Ana have heard all of my phone conversations this morning. Ana's a lot different than me, culturally, and we're not the best of buds. But she's a very intelligent woman. She had offered her suggetions as far as doctors to try, organizations she'd delt with and had good experiences. Danielle, bless her little heart, kept trying to "cheer me up."

Ya know, last time I checked, if someone goes into a doctor's office with cancer, people don't say - "you know a change of scenery would do WONDERS for your malignant tumor." So if I've explained to you that depression is not me being "in a bad mood" but is actually caused by a biological function of my body based on the lack of light in my enviroment, why in the hell are you going to try to cheer me up? I mean it's nice to know people care, but it doesn't change the levels of melatonin and seratonin in my brain. But eventually it will make me want to break your toes!