2003-06-02 10:20 a.m.

When something that has never ever occurred before happens, it�s my fault for not anticipating it. While Claire Voyance was not part of the job description, it is only common sense that Revenue Managers should have it.

I am personally responsible for call volume and demand being down. Clearly, something I did in this or a previous life has somehow come around and painted both me and the hotel with the same karmic brush.

Because I use MARSHA to check inventories, it naturally follows that I know every command and function not only in that system, but every other one it interacts with.

If a group cancels at the last minute, I am to blame for any lost transient business. I should be able to psychically will them into calling back.

Feel free to channel any resentments you have towards the EBC, Market Sales, Corporate and the Regional Office in my direction. As you know, every single one of them consults me before making any decision that impacts your hotel, and I like to deliberately mislead them into ticking you off.

Sales Prevention is my job. More than that, it�s my Life. If I can make up a lame excuse, like the group not being profitable, to keep you from reaching your booking goals, then my day is complete.

When I forecast your hotel down to budget, I don�t really believe it. I�m just waiting to see how long I can keep you in a meeting, trying to convince me rooms on the books plus remaining demand adds up to more than the sum of those two numbers.

I know the Cluster Packet isn�t complete until it is more than informative, but also aesthetically pleasing. Each and every one would be hanging in the L�ouvre if it weren�t supposed to be confidential.

If I do something right, by all means withhold that information. I should be able to divine the value of my contributions from the indifference by which they are met. Conversely, if you perceive some kind of error, bypass me completely and go directly to my immediate supervisor. I do not get to converse with them often enough, and fielding complaints, whether they be justified, or some kind of misunderstanding, provides a convenient pretense for starting a prolonged discussion. Besides, as you know, I am incapable of modifying my behavior unless it is dictated to me by said supervisor.

It is a conspiracy when Night Audit has to walk guests. I firmly believe that every Auditor should be subjected to at least 3 guests hurling profane epithets at them around two o�clock in the morning before their career with Marriott is over. Should you leave before you reach this mark, I will hunt you down and find you at your next job and find a way to make you do the equivalent of walking in whatever field you have chosen. Your only hope is to win the Lottery and never work again. You should know this is not an attempt to maximize revenue, but a vital step in my master plan to have my job title officially changed to �That Bastard in Revenue Management.�

Yes, we do have a report that will predict with 100% accuracy how we will finish each day for the rest of the year. It only takes the entry of 64,247,963 data points, three California Redwoods worth of paper, and an accurate forecast of both the meteorological and political climate over that span. It will never be wrong, but unfortunately it will also never be finished.

I understand it is my duty to be everyone�s scapegoat. Because I do not sit at the property, I will never know the level of resentment those in Sales and Operations have towards me. Since what I don�t know can�t hurt me, I am more than happy to lean into the strike zone and take one for the team. The fact that this may lead to me being viewed as a screw up, and jeopardize my prospects of an amicable tour of duty if I ever land a job on property should in no way deter me from accepting this responsibility.